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Hi
Apr 3, 2013 8:42:32 GMT -5
Post by crissy1972 on Apr 3, 2013 8:42:32 GMT -5
I have no idea what I am doing here. Its kind of scary and in some ways I don't even know if I have a right to be here ...sounds weird hey. As a child I was sexually assaulted...just once...does "just once" make it insignificant ? I don't know. All I can say is I have never been allowed to feel like something bad happened that day. I can't really describe how I feel. That one brief encounter as a child has led to 40 yrs of not being allowed to discuss it. Not being allowed to acknowledge that something inappropriate happened. A feeling of abandoment.. of isolation.. of loss of self worth..infact the actual assault is minimised by the response of my parents. I felt like I was an inconvenience...I was even told not to discuss it. I felt like a shameful secret. Even now , some 40 years later my father, out of the blue acknowledged the incident...apologised with a brief explanation of their actions or lack of and then told me it was not to be bought up again. Again...even though I wept at the fact there was acknowledgement...I was made to feel like a shameful secret. 40 years of silence...not total silence. I remember as a teenager one time throwing it up in my Mums face. She grabbed both my shoulders and shook the living daylights out of me screaming nothing happened. I was so stunned I never said a word about it again. Well thats enough for me for one night. I still don't know if I belong here. I feel like I should be stuck in a little pigeon hole on my own away from all the truly abused. But it was good to put it down in writing.
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Hi
Apr 6, 2013 7:59:56 GMT -5
Post by crissy1972 on Apr 6, 2013 7:59:56 GMT -5
So I am back around again...crusing by...
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Hi
Apr 9, 2013 16:05:31 GMT -5
Post by crissy1972 on Apr 9, 2013 16:05:31 GMT -5
So no ones ever around and I am alone again. Thats okay. I need alone time. Ever have mornings when everything goes wrong and all of a sudden everything crashes in on you and its too much but you know its really not too much but it just seems it...well thats this morning. But I'll get through it. I always manage to. Surviving is one thing I mostly do well. I fell and broke my arm last year...8 months ago and its about 80% healed. The bone snapped in half and was millimeters from coming through the skin. I didn't cry once. I knew it was broken straight away and took control of the situation. Everyone was panicing and I just felt leave me alone and let me do what needs to be done. Pulled myself up with the aid of a chair...they wanted an ambulance and I didn't want to wait around....got hubby to drive me straight in. Surgery required....didn't want a general...one of my phobias ...so I had a nerve block and was awake as they placed a 7 inch steel plate in my arm and popped my dislocated wrist back in. No tears.....was just grateful when I had a room to myself and everyone left and I was alone. I don't like people much and the ones I do like I find hard to give time too. I'm weird.
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Hi
Jul 24, 2013 21:41:03 GMT -5
Post by crissy1972 on Jul 24, 2013 21:41:03 GMT -5
Alone again..having another moment. I really don't like how I feel sometimes..bouts of self pity. My Mum and Dad were having a huge blow out over my sister with my daughter and I. Well everything settled..my Dad apologized for his part which is great. BUT...does not wish to discuss it. No one ever wants to talk...or listen in my family. As long as they say sorry apparently that ends it all and everyone should feel better. I have sooooo much I need to get out but I know two things...one they don't want to hear it and two...somehow I will end up the bad guy. I get sexually assaulted...don't want to know about it...my sister abuses me over the fact my daughter doesn't want her border at her sons first birthday and nope...no one wants to talk about it...I am always in the wrong apparently. This year I turned 50...my kids and husband were there for me...none of my family were. My Grandson had his first birthday celebrations...lots of friends etc...only my Mum came. And even then, just by things she said it was cause she felt it her duty or something. I am sooooo f**king tired and sad and depressed. No one knows cause I only vent here....wouldn't want to upset anyone by saying something they don't want to hear...OMG the drama that would create...and it would be all my fault. I keep forcing my self to see I have three awesome kids and a gorgeous grandson and another on the way and that these are my reasons for living...but sometimes it just gets sooo hard. I push through it though. Maybe I am just coming down with a cold or something. I have a little headache. Nothing happened really to do this...well just a small thing. My son is having his 21st at a club...just a family dinner...well..obviously my youngest sister is not coming ..still hasn't forgiven us for the blow out over my daughter not inviting her border. My other sister is in Tas and too be honest I haven't had much to do with her for nearly 20 years. And now my brothers wife says her nieces MAY be the same weekend...and with her her family comes first so they won't be coming. Feeling the love yet ?
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